I’m watching Mtv. I like it. I like it alot. I’m also drinking coffee. I’m also rocking out to Bush…machinehead.

crap….i was going to write a bunch of crap about Breakfast at Tiffinay’s and rats vs. super rats, but, now I just don’t feel like it. I feel like sitting here and becoming hypnotised by Filter on Mtv.

I went out last night to a local bar called the Bear’s Den. It was great fun. I gave a boy my phone number. I think he was very cute, but, I had a few drinks, so maybe he wasn’t. But regardless I had fun and laughed alot. When I was leaving he said, “you’re really not married or have a boyfriend?” I was impressed because the statement seemed to have a geniune tone of disbelief.

I’m trying to pack to leave for Chicago, and not doing a very good job at it. I keep getting distracted by random things. But honestly, I think cable is playing a major roll in my distraction.

I’ve been sleeping, and sleeping, and sleeping. My god, I can’t sleep anymore. Every fifteen minutes my alarm goes off, and every fifteen minutes, I get up (actually get up and walk across the room) and press snooze. This goes on until three o’clock in the afternoon. So many times this week I was going to update, I really was. Random funny things happened, I had a few deep and profound thoughts, and then, instead, I watched Mtv.

I found out my crush has a girlfriend. Oh the humanity. All of my friends are like, “Geesh, Cindigo, get over it.” So I try. I don’t say anything about it and I go about my day switching between sleeping and drinking coffee.

I had so much more to say before I sat down in this chair with my red mug of orange juice.

I had a dream yesterday that I had an operation to take out my liver. In the dream, I was very alarmed and kept telling everyone that I couldn’t live without a liver. In reality, the function of the liver is to break up big junk and make it able to go into your intistines to get rid of it. If you don’t have a liver basically, you would have all of that rotting junk in your body and die. So, if my subconcious is telling me that I don’t have a metaphorical liver, and I’m holding on to all kinds of junk that I don’t have the ability to process that gives me one of two choices: (1) die or (2) somehow find a metaphorical liver. Christ, where does someone find something like that….the phone book?

Alright, I have to meet someone for lunch in less than an hour and I’m still in sweatpants with my hair sticking up all over the place…and not sticking up in a cool way either.

But first, one of my favorite depressing poems that really puts better words to my mood. It’s called On the Roof by C.K. Williams:

The trouble with me is that whether I get love or not
I suffer from it. My heart always seems to be prowling
a mile ahead of me, and, by the time I get there to surround it, it’s chewing fences in the next county, clawing
the bank-vault wall down or smashing in the window
I’d just started etching my name on with my diamond.

And that’s how come I end up on the roof. Because even if I talk
into my fist everyone still hears my voice like the ocean
in theirs, and so they solace me and I have to keep
breaking toes with my gun-boots and coming up here
to live-by myself, like an aerial, with a hand on the ledge,
one eye glued to the tin door and one to the skylight.

Today is sucking…but I have the power to change this. I mean, today really doesn’t suck, but I am feeling a little blue.

I had a shitasu elective this weekend. It was amazing, but draining. For whatever reason, it brought up deep slimy emotional junk that I thought I was rid of. Well let me make a better analogy, it stretched out and tore some deep scar tissue directly on the bone. Painfully, but necessary for more range of motion and less pain in the future. We were doing some centering excercises, and durning it I got violently ill, and had to sit down. If you have ever taken antibiotics on an empty stomach….it felt exactly like that. I thought I might have to leave the class. It lasted for about a minute and a half, and then it subsided. At lunch I talked to the teacher about it and told her exactly how my body felt durning the process and what happened. She smiled a knowing smile. The same smile that I wear when people give you privelaged information without knowing what they have done so. Then she proceeded to tell me all about me and my issues. And damnit, it was extremely precise and correct.

Today I feel like crawling under the table or the bed, not answering the phone or eating. So, knowing that this is not the best course of action, I called some friends and am going to go eat lunch. Anyway, my study potluck is tonight, and I really don’t want to be weird and sullen. People don’t seem to respond to that well.

That Cindigo, I tell you, she is so smart.

Also, since I didn’t feel like doing laundry, I tried to spray my favorite shirt with fabreze. It didn’t work, so please hold, while I go and do some laundry.

………………

and now, I’m posting anyway, because I’m tired.

This list of questions was sent to me by my friend Shawn. I thought you might be interested…..well, actually, I thought that I spent a lot of time answering these questions, so, I would put it up in lieu of a rambling, crazy post, that would take even more time to write. You know, I’m a very busy and important person. Phone calls to avoid, lifetime television movies to watch, and multidudes of bills to stuff in the bill drawer.

hehehe

1. What year will humans travel in hover cars?
Hopefully never. I’ve noticed many bad drivers on the road, I don’t even want to think about them hovering over the road.

2. What will the next stage after homo sapien be called?
I don’t think humans will make it to the next stage of evolution. The way things are going I think we might blow our world up. So maybe the next stage of evolution might be parasitic.

3. For what would you sacrifice your life to protect or defend?
If I thought about it…probably nothing. But, I might sacrifice my life in a situation where I wasn’t thinking like grabbing someone’s gun, or running into a burning building.

4. Have you ever perpetrated a hoax?
Like pretended to be someone smarter, funnier, and more together than I really am…..every day.

5. If you had a magic potion would you let anyone else drink it?
What kind of magic? How much of the potion do I have? Let’s say I had eight ounces a magic potion to prolong my life and couldn’t make any more. Every ounce is ten years. I would keep three ounces for myself. Maybe I would take them, or split it up between people that I love. Then the rest I would sell (for a reasonable price) to people with terminal illnesses. But if they couldn’t afford it, I would probably give it to them any way, or work out some kind of trade.

6. Do you believe in The Loch Ness Monster?
I’m skeptical, but I think it may be true.

7. What philosophy do you live by?
Milk the cow for all it’s worth, and then make wallets and belts.<---joking....really....I'm joking. I believe that life is about lessons. You can refuse the form of the lesson, but you can be sure that it will be repeated in some other way. Also, once is an incident, twice is a coincidence, three times is a pattern.

8. Do you get respect from total strangers?
It depends on the stranger.

9. What does the word “hello” smell like?
It depends on who says it.

10. Can a moment in time be divided infinitely?
My god! what are you trying to make blood come out of my eyeballs.

11. What gender is nature?
My first response is female, but that’s just me and my sexism.

12. If you could learn any animal language, which one would you choose?
Probably cat, but it’s a toss up between dog and cat.

13. Do you think that most extra-terrestrials share at least one of our
five senses?
I don’t know, and it’s making my head hurt thinking about it.

14. Do you believe in the concepts of good and evil?
No. But I do believe that a person can aspire to a highest or lowest self. Different individuals, have different capacities.

15. Would you allow a group of people to subordinate themselves and
worship you?
What do you think that cindigo.com is all about.

16. What makes you laugh when you are sad?
My friends telling me funny stories and jokes can always cheer me up.

17. What makes you cry when you are happy?
Sometimes the beauty in life can be overwhelming.

18. When was the last time you did something nice for yourself?
I bought myself two bottles of Aquinafina purified water at the gas station.

19. What happens to your body language when you are nervous?
I breathe shallowly and fidget.

20. What would your life be like if the computer were never invented?
Not be typing this email.

21. What do you hope to gain from an intimate relationship?
Equality of give and take.

22. What about yourself are you most proud of?
My innate ability to avoid questions.

23. Do you think you’ll ever have a mid-life crisis?
I’m having it right now.

24. What is your biggest regret? ( besides answering these questions )
Maybe not the biggest….not throwing the can of dog food through the back window of the asshole’s house that opened my back gate and let my dog out to get run over by a car.

25. Do you spend your pennies?
yes

26. Do you have or want to have children?
No, I do not want children to come out of my body. I don’t want any right now, but I could see adopting a child someday. There are just so many unwanted children, I can’t see making more. I think after you bond with a baby, nurture and love it, you don’t really remember where it came from.

27. Is there a limit to the control which mind can have over matter?
At this point in time, science says yes.

28. If you had to spend a billion dollars on one thing, what would it
be?
A chef that came coupled with an endless supply of delicious and healthy food that would be cooked for me three times a day.

29. Would you be ( are you ) corrupted by power?
Yes….I try not to be, but, yes.

30. Do you ever make yourself laugh out loud when you are all alone?
Yes, a lot.

31. Do you have stairs in your house?
To the basement.

32. What is the first thing you do when you get home from work?
When I used to come home from work I would check the mail and the answering machine after throwing my car keys in the key bowl.

33. Are you more likely to seek advice or give it?
I am more likely to give it and I am very consciously trying to change that right now.

34. What burning desire do you have currently?
I can’t say, because then it might now come true.

35. How large would a marshmallow expand in outer space?
I thought it would squish down into something infinitesimal, but that goes to show you how much I know about science.

36. Have you ever experimented with a sensory deprivation chamber?
No, but I would like to.

37. Have you ever experienced lucid dreaming?
yes

38. Are you the life of the party?
sometimes if I put my mind to it I can be very social.

39. What is your earliest memory?
Being pushed in a stroller at a huge indoor mall.

40. Have you ever seen or made contact with a ghost?
Maybe once, but I had a very high fever and either I was hallucinating, or my fever pushed me into the spirit realm….if there is such a place.

41. What do you look for in a work of art?
A sense of humor and a great ass.

42. Do you ever sleep in your clothes?
I have, but I really don’t like it. I’m very particular about clothes I sleep in.

43. Do you go for regular dental check ups?
No

44. What, if anything, do you collect?
mp3s

45. Have you ever been framed?
The evil corporation that I used to work for made up all kinds of horrible lies about me and sued me. They wanted me to stop working with another ex employee because they were afraid of the competition. They thought I would fold because no matter what they accused me of, I would have to get a lawyer to defend myself, and they knew my funds were limited.

46. How important are traditions to you?
Not very

47. Is recycling working?
Unfortunately, I don’t think so.

Here’s what I was just thinking, in case your interested. I just had lunch and drank about 10 oz of water. That amount of water will make me pee about three times in the next hour. I don’t know if that’s normal or not, but, in any case, it’s annoying. It’s especially annoying when I am out with friends and have to constantly be running to a bathroom. I started thinking about Depends undergarments, and how I might buy some if they come in a thong. Then I almost laughed out loud.

So, yeah, that’s what I was just thinking.

This week the famous Gwen Joy and I snuck into a hotel pool on Thursday. I normally wouldn’t do something so decadent on a weekday, but, I had marked Thursday as a “mope in bed all day” day, I figured, why not. It was so fun, were doing it again on Sunday before the swanky potluck we are going to. This potluck is a weekly event, that I was initiated into last Sunday. This weeks theme is ice cream drinks.

And now you ask why was Thursday “mope in bed all day” day. I will tell you, but I really don’t want to. Because it’s dumb….really dumb. I’m moping over unrequited love. Yes peeps, it’s true, Cindigo has fallen hard for a boy. A boy that every time she gets in the same room with, she stutters, trips over things, puts sentences together that make no sense what so ever. I basically act completely retarded without any power to stop it.

When I told Gwen, she said, “Cindi-roo has a crush…MY GOD!!!” It’s true, I don’t really get crushes. I mean, I make up fake celebrity boyfriends for comedic value and flirt with baristas, clerks and auto mechanics, but a real live boy with a potential for romance….OH GOD….that is very, very scary.

Geesh.

Hold on, I have to pee again. I’ll be right back.

Right-oh….that was a long break. I bet you didn’t notice, but in between my bathroom break, and getting back to this, I went to the circus with Gwen, had my fish tank filter explode again, took a few trips to the fish store (where they have named me customer of the year), went to the swanky potluck late, and then went to a bar with Gwen, Jeff, Dave and Rico that is a known hangout for circus folk. Gwen and I were hoping to meet the dog trainer. We both agreed that he was one of the coolest potions of the show. Unfortunately, no circus folk, only a few stray bikers and a skanky ho were there.

The power went out earlier in the day at the Circus Royal, so there was no heat. But over all, it was fun. Gwen and I used our feminine wiles to score some free cotton candy. We tried to get some lighted wands with tiger heads and headbands with bobbly martian heads but, no dice.

Today, I am drinking coffee and cold calling more massage therapy places. Yes, it’s true, I’m serious about this getting a job thing. I was sure I had things locked up at two different places, but it seems to be falling apart. Silly people, little do they know the treasure they are letting slip through their fingers. I’ve even been thinking about getting a design job. What! A novel concept, use the skills that you already have to make a living. Interesting…although unappealing to me right now….interesting just the same.

And now…a message to myself from the responsible voices in my head: “Hey Cindigo, how’s that freelance job coming that was due weeks ago?”

Right-o.

And now….a message to my responsible voices, from me: “I’ll be right back. I have to make one more trip to the fish store.”

I’ve been sittting around playing
video games and watching some dumb films about muffins

I’m trying to think of a quick solution
for some cash. Maybe medical experimentation.

I just can’t think about it anymore…I think I’ll just look at pictures of cute cats.

Or maybe I could turn to religion
the good book
would do me some good.

If that doesn’t work out, maybe some other lunatic
fringe groups would
take me in.

Or, I could do some volunteer work.

But whatever the case, the vWhite Stripes make it all better.

Also, I forgot to tell you…all you boys that have been emailing me….sorry, I’ve been spoken for.