I stayed out too late last night and drank one (possibly two) too many beers. This morning was hospital day day. I had no desire to get up. No desire to go. And especially no desire to deal with crazy sick people. Sick people…okay. Crazy, loud, unconsolable sick people….not in the mood.

Patient X: “Auyda me!!!! Auyda me!!!! Auyda me!!!! Auyda me!!!!”
Me (coming into the room): “What’s wrong, sweetie? Are you hurting?”
Patient X: “NO! NO! NO!”
Me: “Why are you yelling then?”
Patient X: “Why are YOU yelling? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
Me: “I’m not yelling. Do you want some ice?”
Patient X: “I can’t take it! I can’t take it!”

I proceed to try and tell him how to hum from low in his belly which will make him feel better, get rid of some excess energy, and possibly shut him up. He dosen’t want to hear this, he only wants to yell.

Patient X: “OH SHIT! OH SHIT! SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!”
Me: “I know, it’s hard to be here. Let me get you some water.” He can’t have water, but he can have a little green sponge with a little water on a stick to help his dry mouth. I go get it. “Here, open your mouth, it’s water.”
Patient X: Starts chomping his teeth at me like a snapping turtle
Me: “Honey, I can’t do this when your doing that. Please hold still.”
Patient X: “YIEEEEE!!! YIEEEEE!!! YIEEEEE!!! YIEEEEE!!!”
Me: I put the sponge in his yelling mouth. He starts shaking his head. I remind him that, “It’s good. It’s water. It’s good.”
Patient X: Calms down for a minute when he realizes it is actually good. Then proceeds to bite down on the stick and start shaking his head violently like a wolf trying to break a rabbit’s neck.
Me: Noting that Patient X is in danger of choking. “okay, okay, okay, enough. Give.” Trying to be calm, holding onto the stick. “Open. That’s right. Okay. Thank you.” He spits out the mangled sponge and stick.
Patient X: “OH DIOS MIO!!! OH DIOS MIO!!! OH DIOS MIO!!!”
Me: “I know what will help”. I go over to the sink and make up a cold, wet wash cloth, come back to him and put it on his forehead with some pressure.
Patient X: “AHHHHH!! AHHHHHhhhh!!! ahhhhhh. …a… ..a… .ahhh…. ..zzzzzzzzzzzz. ”

He went from screaming banshee to sleeping baby in less than a minute. Nurse Amy pokes her head in the door. She looks at me and raises an eyebrow and I shrug my shoulders. She gives me a thumbs up, mouths “good job” and then leaves.

So I stand there for five minutes, afraid to move and wake up this Italian godizilla. When I do start to take my hand away from his forehead, his eyes flutter open and a low moan starts to build up into a full blown wail. I quickly put my hand back and he begins to snore again.

I watched the baseball game that just happened to be on t.v. for another few minutes until he was snoring like a chain saw. I extract my hand and creeped out of the room quietly.

Now I’m hungry and tired and would like someone to put a cold, wet washcloth on MY forehead.

this is funny. I mean really, really funny. If you never click on any of my random juvenile links….just try this one.

Really.

I wouldn’t lie.

I’m still laughing

I was inspired by Jane_o_la. I died my hair too. It is very, very bright. Usually I like it this way. Today I do not. I tried to do my eyebrows. It usually works. Somehow this dye is more powerfull and has really stained my skin. My eyebrows are very, very tall.

Must go take another shower.

I know some of y’all reading this hate when I go on deranged 15 minute tangents. Sorry, I like to do it. So if you hate it, just skip this entry.

Own it today. It’s always a surprise. Sad kids, melancholy music. Greedy for stuff. Where can you find it. Substitute teacher. Green board, white chalk. If you buy two boxes, you get one free. You just can’t let them go. No respect for humanity. Television is a liar. The dark scary music doesn’t bother the dog. Screaming sound effects and explosions. Black charcoal filter. Do not push the red button. He walks out of the room and calls back on the intercom. Two eyes, narrow slits. Voice like a squeaking chair, reflections off the polished oak desk. How long have we know each other? Our whole lives you say? But no, no this is not true….because if it were, you would know, how much I value silence. This is a tough but firm decision. Call security first. The cash is still lying all over the table. She freaks out at him, he makes her laugh. Strike out on your own. It was a marvelous opportunity. He was very in support of the whole situation. The crash killed two of the band members. The reality behind all these biblical stories. Ezekiel was a priest and a prophet. The book is filled with prophecies and visions. The hand of the lord god fell on me. How can you describe in words? Bright clouds, a lightness of all living creatures. This doesn’t make sense to me. They’re saying that it was a UFO. I never listened to them…actually…I never listened to the other guys either. Something like torches, burning coals of fire. I heard the sounds of the words like thunder. I came to the firm conclusion that I can never really come to any firm conclusions. Could there be more to the story? Tested by metal, I’m not sure if I passed. Wouldn’t the world be a safer place. The closer you get, the more extreme the situation. It’s new, you need it. Are you tired? Then, really, this is exactly what you need. Listen to this and call right now…this is exactly what you need. Begin to reprogram…continue to level 6. Witness the cinematic evolution. Hang on…I know. Leave it behind, it does no good. The positive result of the diagnosis is that I can really appreciate the simple things in life. That’s a really good philosophy. In this chamber everything expands to fill the maxium capacity….good or bad. People stare because they don’t understand. It feels like everyone is looking. Put the icepack on your nose. Everybody is different. Blood vessels are inflamed. This little 16 year old girl is wondering why god is punishing her because she has this disease. Am I gonna have a good day, or a bad day. Can I breathe? Can I walk? She was one of those characters that always seemed to be around when crazy things happened. If I didn’t care, would I feel this way? Going over the paperwork in the back room. Two shots fired…and silence. No more bullets in the gun. The witness narrowly escapes. It’s nothing personal, it was just bad luck. Five o’clock in the morning the body gets dumped in Jersey.

i am drilling a hole in my tv stand for wire access and intermittently dancing around my living room like the “g” that i think i am.

All those important things I was going to do tonight. The phone calls, the bills, laundry,clean the alge riden fishtank. To my small credit, I did wash the dishes, but for the most part I read the book that I bought this afternoon at Border’s.

Now at the end of my day, I am laying in my huge king sized bed, confined to a narrow 8″ x 5′ strip because the dog and the cat continue to jockey for the most bed space.

Last night I woke up at 4 in the morning with the cat lying face down with each paw on a different corner of what was supposed to be my pillow. The dog was taking up half the bed, feet at the foot of the bed, nose at the headboard whith her head lying gingerly on what should have been my other pillow. I swear, I move them over, kick them off, and try to explain the situation in one word commands….to no avail. To make it worse, they both snore.

The main idea of The Theatre of the Absurd was to point out man’s
helplessness and pointless existence in a world without purpose. As Richard Coe described it “It is the freedom of the slave to crawl east along the deck of a boat going west”.

Just thought you would like that above information. I think it’s a pretty accurate decription of life, except, these days, I’m choosing to skip around the deck and spit into the ocean.

I’ve learned that it is much more amusing to spit into the water and not directly into the wind.

I just got an email from my friend Jane withthis link. It really made my day. It’s all true except the drinks…I’ll admit it, I do enjoy really gross sugary liquor. I think the story about the lesbian strip bar and the apple pucker shots is in the archives somewhere. Anyway, Jane sent it with a message saying, “If you’re ever feeling down, remember this describes you perfectly.” And in fact, I have been feeling a little bit unseteled by my seemingly rambunctious nature. I mean I’m going to be 31 next month. I’ve been feeling like I should cut my hair short and curl it all back like a helment and start shopping at the dress barn. I mean people get older and “mature”, that’s what they do….right? People get married (even if they don’t like the other person), have babies (that they don’t like), have grand babies (that they like because they don’t have to be responsible for them) and then die.

So, thanks to Jane for reminding me that being a tough chick is a good way to be. Tough chicks are cool…and shopping at the dress barn most definately is not.

*to all of my married friends and family with babies….I’m not dissing you. Yes I think you love your husbands and your babies and I don’t think you have helment hair and shop at the dress barn.

It’s Sunday morning and I’m sitting on my fluffy couch listening to the occasional car swoosh by. I have been so, so busy I haven’t had time to write much. This is a good thing. Usually when I stop posting for extended periods, it means I’m curled up under a table somewhere feeling sorry for myself for no good reason.

The hospital gig is GREAT. I started last Monday. I really like it. I want to tell you all the stories, but there are so many and I’ve told them in person so many times, I don’t know where to begin. I really don’t want to say too much, because I’ve only been there two days. I feel like if I say how great it is, and then I keep going, somehow the greatness will wear off.

The first week they put me in the cardiac ward. When I left that day I felt so grateful to be able to walk up a flight of stairs on my own, and take in a deep lung full of air. This week they put me in PCU witch is one step below critical care. This week was better because I felt a little bit more confident. My volunteer trainer left me in the charge of an actual nurse, which was much, much better. Most of the volunteers are very old, with time on their hands. My trainer told me that it’s better not to know about what is wrong with the patients, or what kinds of tests they are getting, or basically anything. When I asked why, she said that the less you know the better because then you won’t give out any wrong information and get the hospital in trouble. With that statement, the gap between up widened exponentially.

So far, so good. Next week they’re putting me in critical care.

I also want to write about the ticket that I got for not having my headlights on. How I didn’t have my wallet with me that included my driver’s license and proof of insurance. The cop was one of the biggest asses I have ever encountered. I’m sure you know they type. He would have had his mirrored sunglasses on had it not been ten o’clock at night. I want to write about it, but I’m tired of talking about it. What I really want to do is write a letter to the court. Even if it gets lost in the system, or tossed in the garbage, at least I’ll know that I said my peace. So in lieu of a long rambling tirade, I’ll write a calm succinct letter to the powers that be, and post it later.

Is it possibly to enjoy American Beauty and Dude Where’s My Car with an equal intensity?

Here are some memorable lines from Dude Where’s my car….just because:

“Dude, I’ve got three words for you….anger manage ment.”

“You two number one special good looking guys.”

“You guys picked the wrong transexual stripper to mess with.”

“Those double crossing, sexy, sexy sluts.”

“Hey, check it out, totally gay nordic dudes at 3:00″

“Woah dude, I’m sensing something very Canadian about this place”.

“You better stay away from our boyfriends, you fake breasted sluts.”

“Dude, I refuse to go down in history as the dudes that destroyed the universe.”

“Wow, that is one hot, super giant alien.”

The cable is going off…RIGHT NOW. Seriously, this instant. It is bad, bad, bad….rotting my brain and hypnotizing me.

Right now…off….seriously dude….totally off.

Apex Twin’s Window licker, and Prodigy’s Smack my Bitch Up are amazing and intense videos. I’m watching MTV2’s most conterversial videos and eating an aspargus pasta mixture of leftover stuff.

I was supposed to go out tonight. I really had planned on it. I just came back home to let the dog out. Then I thought, well, maybe I’ll go for a run with Murph, and then I’ll go out. Then, I check my email and remembered that I promised to have a freelance job done by Monday. So I figured it would take me about an hour, then I would go out. Then the most controversial videos were on, and I was just going to watch for a minute. Now it’s quarter to one, and really, I still could go somewhere…..or not. Most likely not because now, after flipping through the channels one more time….guess what’s on.

No, come on, guess.

PURPLE RAIN!

I have a whole long story about how I snuck into this movie when I was twelve and it changed…well, maybe enhanshed the direction of my life. Purple Rain helped me to become the psudo, malcontented rockstar wannabe that you have all grown to know and pretend to love.

Oh that Morris Day, he’s such a mean, mean man.

All music files links, I have uploaded the whole mp3. So, just know that before you start the download.

Where has Charlie Sexton gone? Does anyone remember? Does anyone care or even know? One hit album in the early 80’s and then nothing. I’m listening
to it right now. Makes me all nostalgic and expansive.

Once again, I had alot of really profound stuff to lay down before I sat down here. I’m going through my mp3 and finding all of this randomness
.

Looking back at my past entries, and receiving comments form friends,family, and random strangers, I just want to state for the record, that I am really a happy and emotionally balanced person.

The light coming through the window is yellow grey. Not quite a tornado warning kind of quality, but definitely something different than a daily sunshine or overcast quality. I’m laying on the floor starring up at my ochre living room ceiling, listening to music. This song in particular is really capturing my mood. I’m thinking about all of the productive things I could be doing, and, when this mood has cycled through me, I will get up and do some of them.

Here’s a little known fact about Murphy the dog. When she is hyper, or excited about something, she sneezes. This is especially good information to file away if you are being dramatic and sensitive, looking at your ochre ceiling listening to random mp3’s. In case one day you are lying supine and starry eyed is leaving yourself open to a face covered with projectile dog saliva. This I believe is not only a lesson in this particular situation, but one you can carry over, as an analogy, to life in general.

Right….and now is the time at cindigodotcom where we dance.

the fact is, that this is the system here. You might consider brown bagging it next time. This has been very enlightening. You stay. Long pause, door slams. Feelings are hurt over the phone. This has to be a record. You have to go back and lie down. Do you know anything about my condition. That is entirely possible, but you have to lie down. What? Nothing. Fine. It’s a big insect. It’s a reflection on her. He fell off the roof trying to get free cable. Just sign the consent. This shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours. Any messages? Did she say why? That must be hard to find. You look tired. Hi, I got your message. I was hoping you could reconsider. If you could call me back, I would greatly appreciate it. Give him something for the pain. What happens the next time. I mean really. How much does the technicality factor in. Well, I won’t tell you what to do, but someone will want accountability. We’re offering some great deals to help spread the love around. From the perfect day that you want to keep in your heart like an eyeball fixed and staring. Encouraging news, the weather is breaking. Are you looking, are you looking for something? Can I help you out? Do you feel this weird thing wrapped around your lungs and twisted around your spine? Hello? Hello in there. Maybe I’m not so smart, but at least I’ve got soul. I didn’t give you permission for these pictures. Can you make the call on the rotary dial phone. Pick up, please pick up. How did it go? As well as it could I guess. Don’t even think about it. She’s bright, intelligent, sexy….everything a guy could want. Someone buried a body in this random basement. Hopefully this will be the last time a thing like this will happen. Shut up and do your job. Listen to the sappy music and react apropriately. 97 million gallons of water. Just think about it. That’s alot of water.

Yesterday I forgot to mention Thomas from Austin Texas. The best tech support I have gotten in….forever. Actually, maybe the best tech support ever, but I wouldn’t want Thomas to get a big head. One hour and twenty two minutes on the phone, and it was actually productive and not unpleasent. I promised I would give him his props. I wish I was in Austin, I would have taken him out for a beer.

Murphy the big yellow dog is looking at me. Staring at me. Burning a hole in my heart with her big brown eyes. She is silently pleading with me to go for a W.A.L.K. Unfortunately, I cannot find the L.E.A.S.H so recently, we have only been going on W.A.L.K.S at one or two in the morning. Sorry Murph, only seven more hours.

I feel guilty. She just sighed a very human sounding sigh and put her chin on the floor. I have the back door wide open, she can go and run around the back yard. It’s practically the same, right? I try and tell her these things, but her big brown eyes do not comprehend.

I bought some shoes today. They have squishy insoles. I am wiggling my toes inside them and enjoying the squishy, suedey feeling.

and really…..that’s all I have to say about that.

Guess what….my airport that I’ve had for six months is finally set up. I am typing to you from the cozy comfort of my wireless bed with a big yellow dog at my feet and a purring black cat at my side. I feel quite decadent.

I have many things going on, but none that I think would make good and funny stories. Oh wait, yeah, I have a funny story. But it’s second hand. So, here’s what I’m going to do. Here’s a list of things that I’m too tired to expand on, and then on to the funny story.

1. I got the job (okay, unpaid volunteer position) at the hospital as a nurses aid.

2. I am a shitasu master. Okay, maybe just a novice with heart, but I really, really, really like it.

3. the cute boy from the bears den that seemed to be amazed that I wasn’t married or had a boyfriend, never called me back.

4. I have gotten out of bed before 8 am two days in a row, and have plans to do so again tomorrow. <—I know this is annoying to all of you people that actually have to get out of bed at an ungodly hour every day. So….sorry, for being such a pansy ass.

5. I had food poisioning last week but went to shitasu anyway. I thought I was going to die, but as you can see, did not. I believe it was from a Wendy’s chicken sandwich on the way home from Chicago.

I think after it’s all over, the new appreciation that one gets for simple things in life, makes it almost worth it. Things like the absence of searing pain that makes your insides feel like they are being put through a wood chipper.

Okay, onto the funny story.

crap, there is no funny story. I mean it’s kinda funny, but I think you would have to know the people involved. I guess my step dad was at my grandma’s house telling my uncle that the French foreign exchange student that is visiting them in a few months is going to try to get my cousin pregnant so he can obtain a green card. Aparently, he had a whole speech about it written on a legal pad and everything. She went to France and stayed with his family for three weeks a few months ago.

I wish I could have witnessed it first hand.

okay, try it
now.

I’m sitting on the peachy tan in Chicago watching VH1. On the way here I stopped to get gas. There was a blue pick up truck driving slow past the station. There was a guy hanging out of the passenger side window yelling, “Red, red, hey red! If I had red hair like that, I sure would have a good time.”

Situations like this bring out a quality in me that sometimes I think is good, and other times, not so good. I felt annoyed and then angry. Then all my emotions and thoughts drained out of me. I felt nothing except a laser beamed focus of detachment mixed with some sort of blind fury. I turned around slowly and stared at the red neck, mullet haired drunk guy in his ratty little eyes. His yells died in his throat and, maybe I’m making this up, but I think he actually looked scared. But then again he could have just been really drunk and ready to puke.

Being home for easter, I realize that I have developed this trait from growing up here. The laser beam of detachment ….a tool I have been developing since the early seventies.

And now, on to other less dramatic and more amusing things.

I made this movie (but don’t click this link, because right now it’s 87 mb and I have to make it smaller) . I think it’s funny. You might not think so, but, you would be wrong. It’s really, really funny. It’s my cousin Alex an I rocking out. You also have the special added bonus of seeing my underwear tag sticking out of my pants for the whole clip.

Alex is my seventeen year old cousin. We were sitting in my sister’s car waiting for her to come out of the store with some diapers that my niece desperately needed. She got in the car and said, “You know, this is really wierd, but, it smells like pot in here”. Good thing I was putting on a healthy dose of CK1, and we figured out that it was the purfume that reeked like mary jane. I mean, I’ll take the heat for alot of things, but what kind of a person would I be if I was smoking down in a car with my underage cousin in the parking lot of a supermarket. So, to my sister, who is reading this, it was the CK1.