Ohhhh my aching head
I stayed out too late last night and drank one (possibly two) too many beers. This morning was hospital day day. I had no desire to get up. No desire to go. And especially no desire to deal with crazy sick people. Sick people…okay. Crazy, loud, unconsolable sick people….not in the mood.
Patient X: “Auyda me!!!! Auyda me!!!! Auyda me!!!! Auyda me!!!!”
Me (coming into the room): “What’s wrong, sweetie? Are you hurting?”
Patient X: “NO! NO! NO!”
Me: “Why are you yelling then?”
Patient X: “Why are YOU yelling? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
Me: “I’m not yelling. Do you want some ice?”
Patient X: “I can’t take it! I can’t take it!”
I proceed to try and tell him how to hum from low in his belly which will make him feel better, get rid of some excess energy, and possibly shut him up. He dosen’t want to hear this, he only wants to yell.
Patient X: “OH SHIT! OH SHIT! SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!”
Me: “I know, it’s hard to be here. Let me get you some water.” He can’t have water, but he can have a little green sponge with a little water on a stick to help his dry mouth. I go get it. “Here, open your mouth, it’s water.”
Patient X: Starts chomping his teeth at me like a snapping turtle
Me: “Honey, I can’t do this when your doing that. Please hold still.”
Patient X: “YIEEEEE!!! YIEEEEE!!! YIEEEEE!!! YIEEEEE!!!”
Me: I put the sponge in his yelling mouth. He starts shaking his head. I remind him that, “It’s good. It’s water. It’s good.”
Patient X: Calms down for a minute when he realizes it is actually good. Then proceeds to bite down on the stick and start shaking his head violently like a wolf trying to break a rabbit’s neck.
Me: Noting that Patient X is in danger of choking. “okay, okay, okay, enough. Give.” Trying to be calm, holding onto the stick. “Open. That’s right. Okay. Thank you.” He spits out the mangled sponge and stick.
Patient X: “OH DIOS MIO!!! OH DIOS MIO!!! OH DIOS MIO!!!”
Me: “I know what will help”. I go over to the sink and make up a cold, wet wash cloth, come back to him and put it on his forehead with some pressure.
Patient X: “AHHHHH!! AHHHHHhhhh!!! ahhhhhh. …a… ..a… .ahhh…. ..zzzzzzzzzzzz. ”
He went from screaming banshee to sleeping baby in less than a minute. Nurse Amy pokes her head in the door. She looks at me and raises an eyebrow and I shrug my shoulders. She gives me a thumbs up, mouths “good job” and then leaves.
So I stand there for five minutes, afraid to move and wake up this Italian godizilla. When I do start to take my hand away from his forehead, his eyes flutter open and a low moan starts to build up into a full blown wail. I quickly put my hand back and he begins to snore again.
I watched the baseball game that just happened to be on t.v. for another few minutes until he was snoring like a chain saw. I extract my hand and creeped out of the room quietly.
Now I’m hungry and tired and would like someone to put a cold, wet washcloth on MY forehead.
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