I signed the papers to sell the house and fedexed them to the people who know what to do with them. I tried to read them, I really did. After the fourth page of a billion, I stopped reading and just started initialing where my agent put the big red check marks.

I am on my way to Chicago tonight. For real this time.

Murphy the dog gets out of the clink tomorrow. My mom reported the “dog bites baby” incident (see April 16) to her homeowners insurance. I thought it was a crazy idea, but they told her that I should submit it to my insurance company. I did, and they are paying. They are paying up to $10,000 dollars for pain and suffering. To my knowledge, I don’t think anyone involved asked for pain and suffering money.

Maybe that’s the way things are done now. They pay first to placate instead of getting sued for millions. It’s making me think that I should really start trying to provoke Murphy, poke her in her bad eye, make fun of her big ears. I wouldn’t mind a few scars for ten grand. Scars are sexy.

Random snippet of conversation from last week:

Ma: “….and Murphy puked up a lot of black stuff in the foyer. Does Murphy eat socks?”
Me: “Why, was there a sock in her puke?”
Ma: “No, I just thought maybe she ate a sock.”

Bad eye, big ears, pukes and bites defenseless children….I guess I’m giving up on trying to give my dog away on the internet.

I am still in Vegas. I had to change my ticket for a week later than originally planned. I was under the impression that a rabies shot is like a chicken pox vaccination, you only have to do it once. I now know that it is a yearly occurance. Since Murphy the dog has not had her rabies shot since 2001, she has to stay at the vet’s office for ten days. It cost me an extra $80 to change my ticket, and I feel bad for Murphy having to spend all of that time cooped up in a cage in an unfamiliar setting. I asked my mom to at least bring her blanket or favorite pink ball to her.

On the bright side, it could have been worse for all involved, and finally, Murphy gets a long needed health tune up.

On another good note, I may have sold my house today. If it goes through with no problems, the new owners will move in May 25th. This makes me feel good, but also brings to the front of my conciousness, the logistical nightmare of bringing the contents of my entire house, two vechiles, two people and two animals from one end of the country to the other.

Instead of thinking about it, here is part two of Mr. X’s gambling story.

This was probably about two years after I quit that job in Boulder to play poker full time. My friend Todd had just graduated from CU (Boulder) and was hoping to become a professional poker player. I was very focused on my
game at the time and had been studying and putting a lot of thought into the finer points, especially “tells” (those body language giveaways that get soooo much play in the movies, but actually represent a very small portion of the profit in real life).

Todd had friends in Phoenix and wanted to drive down there for New Year’s Eve. We hit the road, planning to ring in the new year and play cards at Fort McDowell, which at the time was renowned for good action. When we hit Albuquerque, NM, there were billboards for Sandia Casino. A casino in New Mexico? We had no idea. Naturally, we pulled off the highway to check it out. The casino was in a tent! It looked like a huge one of those indoor tennis courts. Or are those ice skating rinks? Whatever it looked like wasn’t a casino, at any rate. To our further amazement there was a poker room in the tent, er, casino. I decided to play 10-20 holdem which, at the time, was a step up in limit for me. Todd joined me. We were both doing well and I was feeling very focused. As the night dragged on, the game got smaller. Eventually it was just Todd, some random guy, and me. I was up about $500.

The fewer opponents you have in a poker game, the less mathematical, and the more mental the game becomes. Very shorthanded games are also a situation in which tells can be very valuable. I was feeling very ready for this situation. After several hands against this guy, I picked up a tell too good to be true. It was 100% reliable. As the cards turned, he would glance quickly away if he liked his hand, or stare at the board (the community cards) if he did not. It was pretty quick and subtle, but unmistakable once you were looking for it. I felt like I was in a gambling movie. I wasn’t even paying attention to my cards, but just watching the guy. There was no way he could win. When he went to the bathroom, I tipped Todd onto the tell. When they guy finally gave up, I was up over $2000 and Todd almost $1000. This was a whole lot of money to us at the time. In retrospect I feel pretty bad for the guy, but at the time I felt like a superstar. I was sure I would make a million dollars playing poker in no time.

To this day I’ve never picked up a tell even remotely as reliable as that one. It was fun while it lasted.

On to Phoenix. We stayed with his friend Ajay and celebrated New Year’s Eve downtown. I saw a really great 80s cover band called Boogie Nights. Things were going so well Todd and I decided to hop a flight to Vegas.

I can’t for the life of me remember why we decided to stay at the MGM Grand. In theory, it was way too expensive for us and the limits were too large for any hope of getting comped. We got in at 2am, but our rooms wouldn’t be ready till noon. We were too tired for poker so we decided to goof around at blackjack. $25 was the minimum bet to get rated for comps. This was way too big for us, but we decided to give it a try with a couple hundred anyway. Neither of us knew how to count cards at the time, We were just gambling. The dealer must have busted 90% of his hands. In no time we were up over $500 each. I had never played craps before, and decided to give it a go. It’s not a beatable game, but at this point we were just having fun. Another $1000 each in less than an hour! Cashing out I was approached by a prostitute for the first and only time in my life (and no, of course, I didn’t). This was feeling more like a movie all the time.

We stayed up the whole night, the next day, and the next night. Table after table after table. We never lost. Sometime after I guess around 36 hours of nonstop gambling, I had to sleep. Todd opted to continue. I slept for over twelve hours and awoke to find that Todd hadn’t even been to the room yet. Yikes!

I found him at a blackjack table. After over 48 hours of drinking and gambling Todd had such an odor surrounding him, I’m surprised they didn’t refuse to deal him cards. As I watched, Todd reached the goal he had set, $10,000 up. As he stood up he knocked his drink towards his lap. It teetered on edge, seemed to balance there for a few moments, and then settled back onto the felt. A tired looking old man, the only other occupant of the table, was watching everything. He shook his head and grumbled “When you’re running good, you’re running good.”

Over the next couple day we toned it down a bit but continued to win at a more modest pace. I had one more amazing session at a craps table. A tiny lady in horn rimmed glassed who may or may not have been the freaky woman from the Poltergeist movies was having a phenomenal roll. She had been rolling for over 30 minutes (this is very long, if you’re not familiar with craps) and everyone at the table was cleaning up. An enormous black man in a suit was next to me and making all the same bets that I was. At times we would exchange knowing glances. The Poltergeist lady threw the dice and one of them ricocheted off a stack of chips, out of the table and on to the floor. Twelve people yell “SAME DICE!” in unison, but the man in the suit looks at me and says, in an incredibly deep voice, “It’s all over now, baby.”

The next roll: Seven Out (This is a bad thing, if you’re not familiar with craps).
Twelve people cash out in unison.

What was most remarkable to me about this trip wasn’t the amount of luck I had, which was truly extraordinary, but how often it felt scripted. I kept expecting to see the cameras, or at least to wake up. This was the Las Vegas of Hollywood. I’ve been back many times, but I’ve never seen that Vegas again. Not even close.

It was also a turning point for both Todd and I. We turned different directions. Somehow I understood or at least suspected that nothing like that trip would ever happen again. I took the money and retreated to a safe and steady approach. I didn’t try to recreate the magic. Actually, I may have tried a little bit, but I kept it in check. Todd was never able to go back to a sane approach. Within four months he was broke. Now he works 70 hours a week as a regional sales manager for Wells Fargo and drives a Saab convertible. We still hang out from time to time and talk
about the good old days.

Some gambling lingo that may slip into my conversation from time to time:

Running good: A prolonged lucky streak.
Running bad: The opposite of running good.
On Tilt: So emotionally distraught from running bad that you are no longer
able to gamble rationally.
Tilted: On Tilt.
The nuts: The best possible hand when playing cards. Often used to refer
to any great situation.
Fish: A sucker. A tourist. I don’t like and don’t use this myself, but
it is heard a lot.
Unconscious: Running so good that even horrendous play results in
winning. Usually referring to a fish.
A Heater: A very good winning streak.
Vid: Video Poker.

Goodnight.

X is never going to start a journal of his own, and I don’t feel like posting. I have two emails that he wrote to me about gambling sometime over the course of our email wooing and courtship. I thought it would explain some things, and make us sound less kooky. Although there’s something to be said about being percieved as kooky.

Here’s the first one.

Sometime during my senior year at (University of Illinois) Urbana, a friend suggested that a weekly poker game would be fun. Five or six of us played $1 limit every week and pretty soon I was making enough to pay rent. I went to the riverboat casinos a couple of times to play at a bigger limit. I also studied up on the game a bit. By the time I graduated I was really disillusioned with environmental engineering as a career. My friend Robbie, her boyfriend, and my friend Kirsten were living in a two-bedroom apartment in Boulder, CO at the time. I found out that Colorado had casinos and poker, so I decided to make a go of being a professional poker player. I came to Boulder with $500 and a Ford Tempo and moved in with Robbie et al. Predictably, my car broke down and I went broke. I can’t remember if I told you anything about those living arrangements, but it was mostly a nightmarish time.

I got a job helping a nice couple who were escaping Corporate America to
open a chain of Mail Boxes Etc. It was an alright job. Most of the time I
was alone in the store, which was walking distance from the apartment. I
saved some money, read everything I could about poker, and played at the
casinos after work. After 6-7 months at Mail Boxes Etc., I quit and
started playing poker full time. I played poker exclusively for about five
years. Like most poker players, I was pretty closed minded and believed
that poker was the only decent way to make money in a casino. I was aware
that some money could be made at higher limit blackjack and in certain
video poker games, but I didn’t consider those worthwhile pursuits.

Sometime about five years ago, I noticed the dealers practicing a new table
game (those games other than blackjack located in the blackjack pit) that
would be opening in a few days. Out of curiosity, I took a look. I
couldn’t believe what I saw. It was obvious after just a glance that the
player, not the casino, would have a sizable edge even with a simple
strategy. I went home not believing that they would actually open this
game up, but wanting to be prepared if they did. I wrote a program to
simulate the game and produce a perfect strategy table. When I showed up
on that Monday, much to my amazement, they opened the game. I made almost
$10,000 in the nine days they left it open. It was a freak occurrence, to
be sure, but it opened my mind. I started looking at everything with a
fresh outlook, and opportunities were everywhere.

Another interesting thing happened. Word got around about what I did, and
one day the inventor of that game called me at home. He knew that I had
programmed a simulator and he wanted to hire me to fix his game. We also
ended up working on a couple of other games. By word of mouth I got some
other consulting jobs from two game inventors and one company. The money
was good, but it was starting to feel too much like a real job. It was
also a little too much sitting in front of the computer. I stopped
pursuing those jobs.

Over the last five years, I found three more table games that were
seriously flawed. One was even more valuable than the first. There are a
couple right now that I know are beatable, but they require much effort,
and I’m not sure if they’re worth it. So, when not exploiting a flawed
table game, I’m usually playing a lot of video poker at or above 100%
during promotions that allow me to win many drawings. Sometimes I play
video poker with large progressive jackpots. Sometimes blackjack. There
are some slot machines with bonus features that build up before they hit
and carry over from player to player. These can be pretty profitable,
too. I’m sure I will go back to poker from time to time. Especially on
the road. It’s a good constant to fall back on, but I much prefer to win
money from casino corporations than random strangers.

Wow, I bet this was way more than you needed to know about my gambling.

This morning I got a muddled and frantic call from my mother yelling, “Murphy (the dog) bit Samantha (the baby), in the face, the paramedics are here, talk to them”. The paramedic gets on the phone, “Ma’m, is this dog up to date on all shots?” I say the only one I am absolutely sure of is rabies. I am confused and start telling them something about her being an indoor dog and not having any diseases. I hear Samantha screaming in the background. He thanks me and hangs up. I am stunned and dumbly look at the phone.

I wait at least an hour for someone to call me back. No one does. X tries to quell my fears by petting my head and telling me everything will be fine. I go to the pool and sit in a chair and wait longer for my phone to ring. I call my mom’s cell phone, it is off. I call my dad’s cell phone, it is off. I want to get mad at them for having their phones off because it is something to focus my fear and uncertainty on. I want to call my sister (Sam’s mom), but I don’t have any information. If she hasn’t been called, I don’t want to create more drama and fear.

When my phone finally rings, it is my sister. She is on her way to the hospital. She has talked to the nurse and everything is fine. Samantha might need a few stitches, but it wasn’t deep. There won’t be any scars. My sister is not in panic or mad. I burst into tears. She says, “it’s alright, everything is alright.”

I have a plane ticket leaving Las Vegas Friday at 12:10 am arriving in Chicago 6:10 am. My mom is frazzled and I don’t want to make her life any harder by leaving my animals in her charge.

When Samantha was getting her stitches, before my sister got to the hospital, my mom called me. She was crying, and Samantha was crying from another room. She told me that she hadn’t cried when her mother died, but she was crying now. She kept repeating, “she’s so small, she’s just so small”. I felt helpless.

I should be in Detroit by Sunday, Monday at the latest. I will be back in Vegas with cat, dog and truck by Friday.

It is raining…..alot. But only tonight, the rest of the days have been beautiful and sunny. We are staying at the Budget Suites behind the Stardust hotel / casino in view of the Las Vegas Strip. Through the rain drops I am reading “Wayne Newton Theater” in red glowing letters that are probably bigger than my body and watching the glittering lights of the Stardust sign twinkle and blink. We have been here five days. It is our intention before we go, to see Wayne Newton at his theater.

Mr. X won two mountain bikes at Circus Circus with his professional gambling skill of ring toss. For those of you who don’t know, it takes years, and years to perfect the art of throwing a wooden ring onto the neck of a coke bottle. It’s right up there with counting cards and perfect strategy video poker.

When we initially went to Circus Circus and saw that they were giving away bikes I was skeptical. It seemed like an exceptionally good prize for just getting a ring on a bottle. What was more bizarre, the other prize was a Sponge Bob stuffed toy the size of my 65 pound dog…..and people were actually trying for the Sponge Bob. On two different days, Mr. X went there and spent $24 a piece for some pretty good bikes.

Tonight we drove our matching red bikes to Target, to buy matching detachable black wire baskets so we can carry things like gallons of water, groceries, or bunches of fresh wild flowers that I snip with pinking shears while wearing my pink bowed straw gardening hat and floral print taffeta dress with white button up gloves. Yes, it’s true, we really look ridiculous….but we’ve decided we don’t care because no one knows us here, and it’s not our intention to really get to know anyone here. So, what better way to scare off potential friends than to drive around with matching bikes and make out in public places.

Our new “this is so crazy it just might work” plan….is working. It’s somewhat working. There are some problems with the software, so X has stopped betting until things can be figured out. He’s in the other room madly calculating while I’m laying in bed thinking about The Wayne Newton Theater, Starbucks coffee, the rain and my feet. If I look up through the bedroom door, I can see the top of his fuzzy hair peeking out over the back of his silver Viao laptop screen. I have the urge to throw something at his head, but I have nothing on hand that wouldn’t cause damage to property or limbs. Really, the only thing within grasp is a glade vanilla scented candle, and that just wouldn’t be funny or flirty….would it?

I made Vietnamese fresh rolls earlier. I was frustrated because, similar to a joint, I could not roll them properly. He said, “why don’t you put them in the sandwich maker”. Cooking fresh rolls, kind of makes them something else, but, there was something very satisfying about crunching those uncooperative suckers between the vice like death smash of hot buttered metal.

I have to fly back to Chicago and retrieve my animals and my truck from my parent’s house sometime next week. I’ve already gotten two phone calls about the cat puking on the rug. Then I will go to Detroit and get my mail, some other necessities and then drive everything Beverly Hillbillies style back to Vegas. We weren’t sure if we were going to stay in Detroit or Vegas until the house sold. Based on all of the fun, hilarity, bike adventures, comp drinks, and a general sense of adventure we’ve decided on Vegas probably until August.

I am alive.

I am in Las Vegas.

That is all to report at this second.