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I’m trying out a new thing. I’m laying on the blue, ultra sueded futon with my lap top balanced on my stomach. I’m in the office that we don’t use. It has a new oak desk and chair, this futon, a huge, blue fit ball and some unhung art leaning against one wall. I painted it yellow a few months ago. I think I might hang out here more. Andy is at hockey, the dishwasher is washing, and I’ve given up on sewing my pants. I have a strong desire to turn on the television. It’s pulling me. I’m fighting it. If I don’t come up with something quick, the tv might win. Damn you illegally gotten cable, damn you to hell.
I used to just write for writings sake. I liked to see the words come together on the page. Like a necklace one bead at a time. I used to be open to the universe and smirk and laugh out loud. Or at least I thought I did. I thought I was, funny and clever and smart. What’s different? What can be so dragged down one day and light and clear the next. Honesty? Willingness? The chemicals in your brain?
Remember that big red brick building that we used to live in. Every day from nine to three, that was our home. The ducks slept in the corner under the “fingernail” tree. The girls played four square. The boys played kickball. I lost my two front teeth on the bridge looking jungle gym, trying to do a penny flip. I landed face first into those fat scratchy wood chips. I remember that place in all of the seasons. Kicking holes in the ice on the sidewalk with my boot heel in first grade. Picking dandelions in second. One time we found a woman’s bra at the end of the field where the street started. We poked it and picked it up with a stick and flung it at each other. We wouldn’t touch it with our hands, that would be gross. Sunshine the dog was tied on her leash in the front yard on the corner. Walking home, I remember that fork in the road that would lead to my real house either way I took. I always stood there for a few seconds, never really sure if I was taking the right path. Now that I’m older, I realize that one way was much shorter than the other. But how was I to know back then. I was only a kid.
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