st_louis_storm_4
Originally uploaded by cindigodotcom.

The picture is taken from the plane window flying into Chicago from St. Louis after being diverted there because of tornados. There’s a few more posted on my flickr page if you’re interested.

Andy got in last night. This morning we’re on the way to Green Bay to visit Andy’s sister, our new niece and Andy’s parents. I thought I should stay, but my mom kept insisting that I go. I think she wants me gone because she doesn’t want me to see her vulnerability. When Andy got here I felt like crying. He broke and continues to break down the unnecessary toughness in me. It’s a good thing. My mom was never very good at dealing with weakness, in her, or anyone else. These are just my theories, they may or may not be true.

Yesterday was the first time Bob said he was in pain. We gave him six drops of morphine under his tongue. This morning he was awake. Andy came in and he was happy to see him. He said that he considers me a daughter and loves me very much. Also, that if he had another son, that Andy would be it.

My mom was there holding his hand. He told her that he almost went to heaven again. Two nights ago he told my mom that he went to heaven but he didn’t see anyone. She told him the next time he was there to look for his mother and other people that would help him. He thanked her and said it was a very good idea. This morning he said he didn’t go and wanted to stay here because he had to thank everyone for all the nice things they’re doing for him. Then he told my mom that when this is all over he wants to take her out to a nice dinner, something really fancy. With a few tears in her eyes and a shaky voice, she said that she would like that very much.

Bob and my mom have been married for sixteen years. They married when I was a freshman in college. When I was 22, sitting at the kitchen table, Bob offered to adopt me. He was serious. We all kind of laughed, because I was 22, and who does that. But the offer really touched me and I still think of it sometimes. He always treated me like a daughter and even though I didn’t need anymore rearing, it was nice.

I may go home tomorrow, despite my mom’s protests.

cicada
Originally uploaded by cindigodotcom.

We went for a walk last night and saw a cicada emerging from his shell on the sidewalk. On the way back it was all the way out and walking circles in the sidewalk. It’s wings were still wet. My brother-in-law put it on a leaf and carried it to a tree. It started climbing up. I came out later and it’s wings were dry and it looked strong.

Earlier yesterday evening sitting at the kitchen table, my mom was making proclimations that “tonight was going to be the night”. One thing is almost for sure, when my mom makes proclimations, there is a good to excellent chance that they will not come true. I think it’s her way of trying to control the uncontroabale. I said, outing my crunchy, granola, hippy side, “why don’t we all sleep downstairs around Bob”. I thought it would be good since my mom was thinking about sleeping on the couch anyway. With the bedroom air conditioner going upstairs, and the classical music playing downstairs, the safety system of the baby monitor setup wasn’t really working. My mom wasn’t for the family love in, but my aunt said she really liked it saying that she hopes that all of her friends and family would be around her when it was her time. My sister agreed and my mom said okay.

I thought the matter was settled, but as the night wore on, everyone got tired and wandered away to separate bedrooms. So at one, I scrounged up a flat pillow and a a horse blanket from the upstairs closet and started to fluff up the couch. Bob stirred and coughed. I went over to see if he needed anything. His eyes were bright. He spoke to me with some force in his voice said he was thirsty. Just a few hours before, we thought he would never speak again. I went to get him some water and wake up my mom who I thought would want to talk to him. She and my aunt came down and we spent the next two hours feeding him ice chips and glasses of water. He said it was the most delicious thing he had ever tasted and couldn’t get enough. He was actually had enough energy to be “a bit of a pill” as my aunt would say. He wanted to hold the water cup himself and my mom wouldn’t let him. He almost had enough energy to launch into one of his familiar diatribes spurring my mom into her own set of reactions.

But, in the end, it was a cup of water, that needed to be held, and it was.

When my mom first came down and he wanted ice she said, “Cynthia, go crush up some ice, there’s a hammer in the utility room”. So for all of yesterday, and today I was and am the ice chip maker. For the first four times I got a dish rag full of ice, folded it up like a hobo sack and bashed it into little pieces at two am on the utility room floor. BAM!!!! BAM!!!! BAM!!!! On the fifth trip as I had the hammer hovering, I thought about the high power blender in the garage less than four feet away from me. It’s set up in the garage and not the kitchen because of the noise. I crushed the ice in four seconds. I walked into the living room with the blender full of ice. We all laughed.

Finally at three, he said he was ready to sleep. We made him comfortable and then sat together in the kitchen for a while before we went to bed.

Today, he’s been talking and alert for long stretches during the day. It’s a strange experience for everyone. He hasn’t eaten for three days and says he’s not hungry. He hasn’t taken any of his pain meds for at least as long maybe longer. He says he’s not in pain, and we are all grateful for that. We have the morphine kit in the fridge if and when he needs it.

The RN and the aide are here. The RN is here to take vital signs and help. The aid is here to give Bob a bath. He has a fever of 103, they gave him Tylenol and he seems to be doing better. We were all changing the bedding while the nurses were rolling him back and forth. I was standing in front of him changing a pillow case looking into his eyes that seemed to have some of the life back in them. He tried to say something. Everyone stopped what they were doing and asked if he was in pain. He whispered something again. I made out the word “closer”. I put my ear next to his face.

He made kissing noises and smiled. It was a weak smile, but a smile just the same.

I’m at the airport. My plane leaves in an hour. My mom called this morning and said that the nurse that comes to the house told her that Bob my step dad has about 48 hours of life left. I changed my tickets and packed my bags. It feels so strange. People should not be able to disappear from this planet.

——————————

I wrote that yesterday at Denver International Airport. Before the diversion to St. Louis because of the storms in Chicago. I got here in one piece, only five hours off schedule. My Aunt Barb is coming in this morning from Cleveland and my sister should be here tonight. Andy is flying out Sunday. Many people that love Bob are scheduled to come by today.

This morning we put the classical music station on for Bob. My mom and I sat with him and held his hands. He seemed to perk up when Mozart came on and my mom and I teared up a little when we saw him trying to make time with the music with slight head movements. His eyes are glassy and he comes in and out of awareness. While I was sitting there his eyes cleared, he looked at me, smiled a weak smile and said, “hello” and then nodded off again.

Yesterday morning we came back to Golden. The place with the kayaks and Clear Creek. Andy had games to bet spread out throughout the day, so we could never be far from the laptop. We did have a two hour break to lay out in the sun and play in the rushing water. Andy waded out into the stream (which was difficult with the current and the slippery rocks) and balanced impossible rocks on top of other rocks jutting out from the water. It was fun to sit back on a big boulder by the edge and watch the kayakers and tubers float by and point and make comments about the “sculptures”. I meant to go back with the camera, but it didn’t happen.

While we were on our way to the creek, walking along the path that boarders the river and the RV park I saw a dog attached to a leash that had tangled himself around the jack under the back of one of the mammoth busses parked in the RV park. I jumped over the wooden split rail fence and shimmied on my butt and back underneath and began to unwind him. A guy came out from the next RV and started to talk to Andy saying that he had heard the dog crying for a while. While I was untangling him I smelled something awful. I thought that I must be positioned under the septic tank or something. I shimmied out, stood up and immediately noticed that I had dog crap smeared all over the top of my leg and shorts. I started yelling, “GROSS!!!! GROSS!!!!! OH GROSS!!!!” and ran for the lake. I jumped straight in to the freezing cold while still repeating the word gross. I can’t be sure, but I believe my husband was laughing at me.

Tonight we’re back at Cherry Creek. We’re going to stay until Thursday while Andy cracks the whip down on himself and gets some baseball research done.

We’re at Cherry Creek State Park tonight. For the last three days we’ve been boondocking. The first night in the parking lot of 24 hour fitness, the second in the parking lot of a 24 hour King Sooper (grocery store) and 24 hour Starbucks. Last night we parked in front of the place where Andy plays hockey. Last night was the best location, dark, surrounded by trees and horse farms. We’re thinking we’ll stay there every hockey night.

Solar power is high on our list of things to do. Electricity equals comforting mother internet and movie watching in the cave like (yet fluffy) back bedroom.

Not having the Jeep actually feels a little freeing. I’ve been riding my bike around and going to the gym alot. I know it doesn’t make for a riveting entry, but I feel great.

The Jeep broke down today. I think the words that Andy used were “catastrophic failure”. First, the lower portion of the raidiator hose ruptured. We had just driven to lunch, walked in the door and heard a person behind us say, “Does anyone here own a black Jeep?”. We looked out the window to see our Jeep with green coolant flooded underneath it.

After lunch Andy was inspecting the problem when some really nice people came out and offered us a ride to a nearby auto parts store. He bought the hose, clamps, a screwdriver and pliers. I was pretty impressed. To fix a car with only a screwdriver and pliers is pretty sexy in my book. As he was laying halfway underneath the car two more nice people came by and gave us a flattened cardboard box from their trunk to lay on the ground so Andy wouldn’t get any dirtier.

He fixed the problem and we went on our way to Comp USA to return the Cantenna. The Cantenna worked fine, but it costs fifty bucks, looks a little silly, and you can make your own out of a can and some wire.

We drove a half a mile and started to hear a banging noise. By the time we were pulling over the engine cut out and would not re start.

Fortunately, there was a Pep Boys across the street. We walked over and told them what happened. They said they could tow it for around fifty bucks. It was less than half a block away. We would have pushed it over without hesitating but it was two busy streets at a major intersection. We decided to take the risk and push it. It was exciting and nerve racking. The whole procedure only got one angry honk. When the light was turning green and Andy started to push, another really nice person just walking down the street ran over and helped. Once we got through the intersection, it was pretty much downhill. I steered the coasting Jeep into the parking space easily while Andy rode on the bumper.

Vlad picked us up. Andy got his hockey gear and they went to play a pick up game. I opted to stay here and do some laundry, clean up and listen to bad Sunday night radio. We think that is doubtful that Pep Boys can fix this. But at least tomorrow we’ll know what we’re dealing with.

There are stay cats here. It makes sense. For a stray cat, an RV park would make a pretty good home. One of the cats came right into our RV begging for food, jumping on the couch and the counter. He was a tabby male that looked almost exactly like the mother cat of the kittens we rescued a while back. The screen door was closed and I saw him walking towards the RV. I clicked my tongue and he came right in. We didn’t have any animal food so we tried soy milk. The cat started to drink it and then looked up at us like, “what the hell are you trying to pull here”. The best we could do was give him a few torn off chunks of sour dough bread, which he ate, and then shoo him out to find food elsewhere.

No, we aren’t taking any in. The no quadraped rule is still in effect. You don’t need to send concerned emails. But, we did buy a bag of dry food for emergency stray care.

squirley_andy
Originally uploaded by cindigodotcom.

The friendliest non domestic animal we’ve met.

I don’t know what to do with myself right now.

I have unlimited options and no motivation. Sometimes too many choices paralyzes me. I think this is why I do well with lists. Look at the list, do the thing, check it off, go to the next thing. I have a list right now. I should go get the list.

I’m sitting in the “Higher Grounds” coffee house abusing their wifi. I don’t know if I mentioned it or not but Andy and I had our unlimited wifi cut off because we used it too much. The fine print in the contract says that unlimited internet usage does not include streaming audio, video or peer to peer downloads. So, to do any of these things we have to be connected to a wifi source other than the one we pay sixty bucks a month for. Verizon bastards.

I’m not going to tell you that I’m downloading Basic Instinct II. That would be wrong on so many levels.

I’ve been meaning to write a smashingly interesting thing, something devastatingly remarkable. But I’ve got no material. The closest I could come would be to write about going over to Andy’s friend Jarrett’s friends house to watch the Ultimate Fighting Championship fight (say that ten times fast). The highlight of the night being me and an eleven year old kid having timed contests to see who could keep their arm almost to the elbow in the tub of ice water holding the beer and sodas. No joke, it was painfully cold. That contest turned into someone from the poker table (after the event, a poker game broke out) folded up a dollar and put it at the bottom of the tub. The kid, I can’t remember, I think his name was Justin, repeatedly dunked his head in to try and get it with his mouth.

Fun was had by all.

Hey.

Jason
Originally uploaded by cindigodotcom.

Jason the cat is no longer. He had been adopted by our good friends Troy and Heather. We got a call tonight that he, to spare you all of the gory details, was in distress and needed immediate attention. Troy and Heather brought him to the vet, but there was nothing that they could do.

Andy got Jason as an adult cat about ten years ago from the Cat Care Society here in Denver. Jason was the friendliest, most easy going cat around. He couldn’t resist the laser pointer or any opportunity to be as close as possible to human contact. He was always in the mood to be pet. Jason was a great companion and part of the family.

Jason you and your ways will be missed.

We just checked into our first RV park. I’ve never seen or been to one before. I’m surprised to say….I think it’s great. It’s a little more than we wanted to spend for this sort of thing, $32 a night, but it seems to be worth it. It’s in a small town called Golden. There’s a creek right behind us with a kayak obstacle course and people floating downstream in inner tubes. The town itself is small and looks like the kind of place gay men would gravitate to and paint restored victorian houses bright colors and open antique shops and coffee houses.

Right now, I’m sitting on a park bench watching Andy play hockey at an outdoor, city owned rink. It’s threatening rain. I remember coming here a few years ago and walking around while Andy played. I found a half deflated, bright pink rubber ball and brought it home for Murphy the dog. It was her favorite toy. Her favorite method of play and ultimate destruction was to pick it up in her jaws and shake it violently trying to break it’s neck. When she finally tore it open, she would put one paw on it to hold it down and rip pieces off of it. Eventually it was nothing but pieces. She would do the same with crumpled up paper wads that I would throw at her. It never failed to make me laugh.

Sometimes I miss that dog. But only sometimes. I have to admit, life is much easier without pets. I was also reminiscing about taking her for a walk when we first got to Vegas. She was standing in the middle of the courtyard at our new apartment. There was a hissing sound. She stopped, cocked her head trying to figure out what it was. Then, the sprinklers went off full blast. She never was the same around wet grass at night.

Things you might not know about me:

*If given the choice to eat soup with a soup spoon or a regular spoon, I will choose the regular spoon.
*Hot air hand driers really annoy me.
*Having wet hands and or face and not have any option other than toilet paper or a shirt to dry with, really annoys me.
*I think I’ve said this one before, but, I can call you every dirty, filthy name in the book, but, if I call you a jerk, I’m really mad.
*If I’m not mad at a specific person, but am frustrated at a situation to the point of breaking, I will say “goddamnit” and possibly shove or kick something.
*I sometimes have the urge to eat bugs. I’m guessing it’s some specific vitamin or mineral deficiency but I haven’t gotten around to asking the internet about it.
*I never had the urge to babysit as a job growing up, or was interested in planning my wedding, playing house, barbies or for the most part with dolls. The one time I did babysit for the next door neighbor’s kid, he went into the bathroom and smeared poop everywhere.
*My sister and I used to play a game called Orphanage, where, as the name implies, we were in an orphanage and had to overcome adversity.
*One time while playing we found a Tampax plastic tampon applicator. We didn’t know what it was and stuffed berries in it for pretend food when we ran away from the orphanage.
*I was always quite frightened of accidentally ingesting the “poision berries” that our parents drilled into our heads not to eat. It was understood that these were, “okay for birds, but not for kids”.
*Given the choice of going to the bathroom in a port-o-potty or a well concealed bush, I will pick the bush almost every time.
*I just went pee behind a bush.
*I’ve always been attracted to tall, lanky guys. My mom says that this was true even as a little girl. Most of my serious boyfriends, until the amazing Mr. X have been not that tall and not that lanky. I blame my past belief that I did not deserve to get what I wanted in life.
*As proof of the last statement, I think Adrine Brody is hot.

…..Hey…..wait just a minute……

Andrew Blair….just as hot….NO….hotter even than Adrine Brody.

I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but we’ll most likely be in the Denver area for the entire month of July. Last night we stayed and tonight we’re staying at our friend Jarrett’s new house. He’s out of town and offered his home while he was away. Our “house” is parked at a Walmart a few miles away. We didn’t park here because Jarrett has a HOA and we didn’t want to get him in trouble in the first weeks he lived in his house. We’ve had plenty of experience with HOA’s in Vegas. They’re not an entity that you want to call attention to yourself.

The weather is beautiful here. The back door is open and the wind is blowing. It’s slightly overcast but still sunny. It may or may not rain. The birds are chirping and I can smell the outside. I feel like my body has been clenched up like a fist in a protection against the Vegas landscape. It’s probably a boring thing to read about, but for me, it feels like I want to shout my joy from the rooftops.

And now, after shouting for joy from the rooftops, on to something that actually made me cry:

www.couchsurfing.com is no longer. Here’s our cached profile in case you’re bored at work or something. Although since the initial depressed letter to the members that couchsurfing.com blew up and that it was a sign from above that it should be no more, rational minds are prevailing and I think they are putting the pieces back together.

For me, being a part of couchsurfing filled a need that needed to be filled for a long time. I am a searcher. I need to belong. These needs have rarely been met for long since to belong to something it’s usually required or expected to hold some sort of exclusive belief…. religious, political, or a specific enthusiasm or interest. I have never done well in these situations since they always seem to breed bureaucracy and bickering. Couchsurfing was so simple and perfect, “I’m human, you’re human, you need somewhere to hang out, come and hang out with me”. I have my fingers crossed that the CS team will get it back together.

Tonight: Superman Returns in 3D IMAX.