Judge me if you will, but…

Snakes On A Plane….BEST….MOVIE….EVER.

Seriously.

You’ve got a plane. You’ve got snakes. You’ve got contraband vodka and Red Bulls.

What more could I ask for.

Flying back from Chicago we experienced the worst turbulence that I’ve ever been in. At one point as the plane dropped what seemed to be two thousand feet, I screamed and grabbed Andy’s arm on my left and the random stranger’s arm on my right. As the plane rolled, jerked and plummeted, I whimpered, clutched at everything and held my breath. When we finally hit the tarmac I thought we were still thousands of feet in the air. Since I wasn’t aware that we were on the ground I was sure that the plane was breaking apart and we were all dead. It didn’t take me long to figure out that wasn’t the case but those seconds were especially terrifying.

As we were getting up to deplane everyone was laughing and exhaling. I put my sunglasses on to hide my tears turned to Andy and said, “Everyone one else on this plane is crying too, right?” He said, “yes, everyone else on the plane is crying.”

I always thought that I would meet my death with wide open eyes and a fierce strength. Interesting. I guess you learn something new every day. Cindigodotcom…..not as hardened and tough as she imagines herself.

Spending the week with family was nice. We’re back in Denver. We’ll be at Cherry Creek State Park until Thursday. I feel like I should write more than that, but I just don’t have it in me right now.

I’m slumped on the couch listening to Big Audio Dynamite on XM. It’s been a day of phone calls to family and friends, going through papers and coming to terms with the strangeness of it all. Walking past the living room and seeing the empty stripped bed is jarring. I find myself still tiptoeing around and whispering so I don’t disturb Bob.

Bob left us at about ten a.m. The nurse came to give him a bath. I helped her. It was awful. He hadn’t moved for most of the day before and all night. We thought he was incoherent. But when the nurse came and started washing him and rolling him, his eyes opened and was trying to tell us he was hurting. My mom had to leave. I had to hold him on his side while the nurse changed dressings and pads. I felt terrible and torn. He had to be cleaned up, but this was bad. During the procedure I told her to stop because I was going to give him morphine. She did and we waited a few minutes for it to work. We finished up, but he was never comfortable. After she left he was desperately trying to tell us something. Finally after guessing, comb, to go, go back, we figured out he was saying “low back”. It had been enough time for that the first dose of morphine should have been working and he was still hurting. We gave him more. While we were waiting for it to get into his system I said that I thought he would like us to say a prayer. His eyes said yes. We said the lord’s prayer over him, with our voices breaking, tears and congestion. When we got through it, I said, “Well Bob, that’s the only prayer I know and the only other thing I have memorized is the pledge of allegiance. I’ll say it if you want, but probably won’t be quite as inspirational”. He smiled in a way that told me he was coherent enough to laugh at the joke.

After enough time passed for the morphine to work, we asked him questions about his comfort. I asked him to squeeze his eyes shut when the answer was yes. When I asked if he wanted sleeping drops, he squeezed his eyes shut very hard. We gave him the drops. My mom looked at me with tears in her eyes and said that he would probably go sometime today. She left the room to make a phone call. I read him his favorite bible verses that he carried with him on a laminated card. I just kept flipping it reading the front and the back over and over. It seemed to calm him a little.

Phil. 4:8 Fix your thoughts on things that are true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and worthy of praise.
Gal. 5:22-23 The fruit of the Spirit is: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control
1 Ths. 5:16-17-18 Be joyful always; pray continuously; give thanks in all circumstances.
Rom. 8:6 The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.
Isa. 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you.

He started breathing very hard. Within a minute or two his breathing slowed. He was only taking a breath only every fifteen seconds or so. He would be very quiet and still, then take a huge gasping breath. Then it was longer in between breaths. I watched his corroded artery in his neck jump with every heart beat and slow down to nothing after he took his last breath.

I wish I could say that I was the picture of composure during all of this, but really I was scared out of my mind and crying. He was turning blue, his eyes were fixed and there was nothing I should have or could have done. Part of me is glad that I was there even though maybe he didn’t know. Part of me wishes that I didn’t have these images to carry with me. Both sides are pretty much equal.

Later in the day when the nurse came she said it wasn’t uncommon for the dying to wait until their closest loved one was away from their side to leave.

I came into the living room and told my mom that Bob was no longer with us. She hung up the phone, went to his bed and wailed his name. We were all ready for this, but the actual moment is still shocking to the heart. We did all the things hospice told us to do. They came out, made the proper declarations and then the funeral home took his body away. The funeral is on Friday. Most of the family is coming out Thursday night.

We’re doing fine. It’s a hard thing, but we’re very happy that Bob is at peace. He’s been bedridden for over a year. It’s been hard for him and my mom who has been his sole care taker. Thanks to all of you for your emails, comments and thoughts.

bob
Originally uploaded by cindigodotcom.

Born January 21, 1926, Dr. Ernest F Lidge left on August 5, 2006 from his home in Arlington Heights, Illinois

Ernie (Bob) will long be remembered for his kindness and goodness to others. He was a fun loving man who always put the needs of others before his own. He spent his life helping many people personally and professionally . He was the emotional support for patients, friends and family members. He was also very generous with his time and money. His personal motto and advice for a happy life was, appreciate the beauty of the earth which is God’s creation, love your family, love your neighbor and help others whenever possible.

Born January 21, 1926, Dr. Ernest F Lidge left on August 5, 2006 from his home in Arlington Heights, Illinois

In eighth grade Dr. Lidge was Captain of the Boy Monitors.

He was active in The Boy Scouts of America, achieving the rank of Senior Patrol Leader, and then, Junior Assistant Scout Master. While his sons, Ernie and Ken were active in Scouting, they each were Eagle Scouts and were awarded The God and Country award from the First Presbyterian Church. Dr. Lidge was a member of the Troop Board and the Counselor for several Merit Badges.

Dr. Lidge was graduated by North Park Academy in 1943. In 1947 he graduated from Northwestern University, obtaining a Bachelor of Science degree with a major in psychology.

In 1947 he worked at the First National Bank of Chicago in their Officer Training Program and was accepted as an incoming freshman at Northwestern Law School. Because of his medical heritage he also applied and was accepted to Loyola Dental School. Dr. Lidge’s father was a medical doctor in Chicago. His mother, Renee Lidge was a concert pianist who performed at the Chicago World Fair. She taught piano at the Chicago Conservatory of Music and was a student of Bela Bartok who visited the senior Lidges in Libertyville.

Dr. Lidge was president of his class and a member of The Blue Key, a scholastic honor society at Loyola University Dental School from where he graduated in 1952.

After graduation he was chosen to be a part time Instructor in Dental Prosthetics at Loyola University Dental School.He also co-authored a book on general prosthetics which deals with the making and proper fitting of dentures.

In 1952 he established a practice of General Dentistry in Arlington Heights at 7 West Campbell Street.

Dr. Lidge was a member of the American Dental Society and The Academy of General Dentistry. A few years later he was elected to become a Fellow of the Academy of Dentistry.

In 1955 he joined the United States Air Force as a First Lieutenant and was stationed as a prosthetics officer at Sampson Air Force Base at Geneva, New York.

In 1957 Dr. Lidge was transferred and moved with his wife Lorraine, and their sons, Ernie and Ken to Offutt Air Force Baseatel, The Strategic Air Command headquarters in Omaha, Nebraska. He was discharged as a Captain in late 1957.He resumed practice in Arlington Heights and moved to 120 West Eastman, and in 1970 accepted Dr. Robert Rokos into an association which led to a partnership. In 1994 they welcomed Dr. Mark Lallas into their association which also led to a partnership.

Dr. Lidge retired from practice in 1995. Ernie will long be remembered for his kindness and goodness to others. He was a fun loving man who always put the needs of others before his own. He spent his life helping many people personally and professionally . He was the emotional support for patients, friends and family members. He was also very generous with his time and money. His personal motto and advice for a happy life was, appreciate the beauty of the earth which is God’s creation, love your family, love your neighbor and help others whenever possible.

He was a member of the First Presbyterian Church of Arlington Heights since l959 and served as a Deacon, Trustee and Elder as well as being President of the Chancel Choir for two years.

Dr. Lidge was proceeded in death by his beloved wife, Lorraine Louise (nee Lorch) whose father was a physician and mother a nurse. Dr. Lidge and Lorraine were married two weeks before “they” started Dental School and were married for thirty-seven years Surviving are their sons: Professor Ernest F Lidge,III, University of Memphis Law School (wife Christine) Dr. Kenneth George Lidge,assistant professor of music of the University of Missouri,Kansas City , Dr. Douglas Christian Lidge, Psychiatrist (wife Lesley) and grandchildren, Walker Percy , Grace Micaela, David Ryan, Soren Adam and Joshua Conner.

Dr. Lidge leaves his wife of sixteen years, Helene (nee Driussi) who was graduated from Northern Illinois University in 1959 and taught for twenty-five years retiring from District 214 in 1994 and his ‘other’ daughters Cynthia Kay Blair (husband Andrew Blair) and Kimberly Sue Larsen (husband Rick Larsen) and granddaughter Samantha Nicole Larsen.

Survivors also include his brother, Ralph T. Lidge M.D. a retired orthopedic surgeon and his sister-in-law Jackie Lidge, a retired nurse.

In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions would be welcomed to : The First Presbyterian Church of Arlington Heights Chancel Choir Music Program.

Andy came back from Green Bay today. Thank the gods. I’m watching him play pac man on his phone while drinking a soy chai latte. Things are just a little righter in the universe.

Bob isn’t eating ice chips anymore. Last night he woke up twice and asked for some. He stayed up for a short while ate them, whispered “thank you” and went back to sleep. I kept waking up throughout the night to check on him. He seemed different, more there than here. The times I woke up I put moisturizing gel in his mouth and paced around for a while.

This morning he had visitors from church and the nurse came. We went over the procedures again with the nurse about what to do and who to call when the time came. He woke up a little for the visitors, and for a phone call from his son, and then seemed to sink away. While the nurse was here, even when we were moving him a little, he said it hurt. He had gotten the max dose of Oxycodone, we gave him some morphine and then some sleeping drops. Usually when he’s awake he’s asking for ice chips. When the nurse was here I made a batch. He didn’t even try to swallow it when I put them on his tongue. I didn’t think it was possible, but he seems to have lost more weight just from yesterday.

After the nurse left this morning he continued to sleep. It’s past midnight now. His breathing is sometimes heavy, sometimes shallow and sometimes I have to check to see if he’s breathing at all. I don’t think he’s going to wake up again. In a way, it’s better this way. The nurse said that most likely he will slip away quietly in his sleep. I think so too. Tonight, my mom is sleeping downstairs on the couch.

I’m back at my couch post. My mom, who is constantly hot, and can’t believe that I’m fine, is upstairs with her window air conditioning blasting. She ran necessary errands today. I feel like when I’m “off duty” that I probably should be helping my mom clean up and organize the house. The thing is, I just did that to my own house that we unloaded. It really sucked. When it was over I felt like a huge burden was lifted from me. What the hell universe? Is this just a ironic coincidence?

The nurse came today to change the bedding and give him a bath. It’s our least favorite nurse. She’s rough. We keep having to remind her that he has a broken neck that never healed. In the middle of the procedure, he said he was in pain. We never thought of giving him the morphine before she came. We gave him the drops and sat with him and fed him ice chips. He was trying to sleep but couldn’t so we gave him the sleeping drops also. That was at noon and he’s pretty much been asleep since then. It’s 11:30 p.m. now. He’s woken up a few times for ice. He’s breathing heavier than I’ve heard before and even though he’s sleeping, doesn’t look very comfortable.

It’s so strange to know that he won’t be here anymore. Sometimes it just seems like if we could feed him a little and give him the right medicines, he could just be normal again. Today my mom and I were sitting around the dining room table and recounting stories about “crazy Bob”. I know your only supposed to say nice things about people in this situation, but Bob, besides being a “bit of a pill” was (is) also a bit of a loon. In attempt to show I don’t mean to disrespect or want to disparage the dying, I’ll say, and mean it, he’s our loon and we love him.

When Andy and I decided not to have kids (did I mention that before?) Bob was beside himself. He got it in his head that the reason I didn’t want to have them is because I didn’t want to “ruin my figure”. He said that Andy was going along with what I said because he didn’t want me to leave him. I was sent thick letters about the joys of children peppered with bible verses. He tried to bribe me with cash, and told me that cesarians are very in right now and that all the celebrities are having them.

He told my cousin and her family at dinner at my grandmother’s house that they needed to watch out because the French foreign exchange student that they were having come and stay at the house was only there to get Alexandria pregnant so he could get a green card.

There was a great story about Bob and my mom coming to Vegas somewhere in the archives that I can’t find. We had rented a scooter for Bob so he could get around easier. He didn’t quite know how to control it. They were staying at the Las Vegas Hilton which has a Star Trek themed casino. Andy and I were showing them around the casino. As we were walking, Bob started going too fast. He gripped the scooter handles which only made it go faster. He put his feet on the floor trying to dig his heels in as he shot down a ramp full speed heading straight for…..wait for it….. a giant floor to ceiling replica of the warp core. We all sucked in our breath as he careened wildly. At the last possible second, he let go to brace for impact and the scooter came to a full stop. He was unharmed and we all laughed until tears came out of our eyes.

My mom has cat shampoo in her shower. They haven’t owned a cat for at least fifteen years. I already knew the answer, but I had to ask anyway. When I did, she said, “Well, cats are so fluffy and shiny, I just thought….”.

Bob said he went to heaven again. When we asked him what was there, he paused for a long time and said, “dental equipment”. Bob retired as a dentist in 1995. It’s not really my idea of heaven, but, to each his own. Also, as a funny joke that no one gets, at his funeral he’s requested the song “Crown Him With Many Crowns” to be played. When my mom asked him how many crowns he thinks he’s put in during his career, he said, “That remains to be seen”.

This morning the nurses aid came to change the sheets and give him a bath. He was exhausted afterwards but couldn’t seem to go to sleep. I asked him if he wanted some sleeping drops. He said yes, so I put them under his tongue. Maybe two seconds afterward he made a snorting, choking noise. I panicked. My mom was in the kitchen and started laughing. She said that she knew what he was making a joke and pretending to snore. It was funny, but it took me a few minutes for my heart to stop beating so fast.

It’s four in the morning. I just went back to (couch) bed. Bob woke up an hour ago and needed some ice chips. Nothing harshes a mellow like waking up from R.E.M sleep to blend ice cubes in a high power blender in the garage at three am. I’m sleeping on the couch next to Bob. Aunt Barb, my mom’s sister was here for the last three days, but she had to go home yesterday. It’s my turn on the couch as the on call attendant.

He said his head was hot so I put a bag of frozen peas on it. It looks funny, but I think it did the trick. I’ve become an expert ice blender. With the right amount of ice and time, you can make ice chips the consistency of snow. Bob always says they taste like champagne.

He keeps talking about leaving, and how he can’t because he has things to do or how he will miss Helene (my mom). I keep reminding him that he’s done everything he needs to do and that she will be taken care of and knows he loves her very much. Tomorrow it will be a week since he’s eaten any food.

I opened the blinds that were covering the glass sliding doors so we could watch the rainstorms. The giant black oak trees are swaying and twisting in the wind. The sky is lights up every minute or so with lightning. Mozart is mozarting on the cd player. It’s all very dramatic.

Bob is snoring now and I’m wide awake.