I’m slumped on the couch listening to Big Audio Dynamite on XM. It’s been a day of phone calls to family and friends, going through papers and coming to terms with the strangeness of it all. Walking past the living room and seeing the empty stripped bed is jarring. I find myself still tiptoeing around and whispering so I don’t disturb Bob.

Bob left us at about ten a.m. The nurse came to give him a bath. I helped her. It was awful. He hadn’t moved for most of the day before and all night. We thought he was incoherent. But when the nurse came and started washing him and rolling him, his eyes opened and was trying to tell us he was hurting. My mom had to leave. I had to hold him on his side while the nurse changed dressings and pads. I felt terrible and torn. He had to be cleaned up, but this was bad. During the procedure I told her to stop because I was going to give him morphine. She did and we waited a few minutes for it to work. We finished up, but he was never comfortable. After she left he was desperately trying to tell us something. Finally after guessing, comb, to go, go back, we figured out he was saying “low back”. It had been enough time for that the first dose of morphine should have been working and he was still hurting. We gave him more. While we were waiting for it to get into his system I said that I thought he would like us to say a prayer. His eyes said yes. We said the lord’s prayer over him, with our voices breaking, tears and congestion. When we got through it, I said, “Well Bob, that’s the only prayer I know and the only other thing I have memorized is the pledge of allegiance. I’ll say it if you want, but probably won’t be quite as inspirational”. He smiled in a way that told me he was coherent enough to laugh at the joke.

After enough time passed for the morphine to work, we asked him questions about his comfort. I asked him to squeeze his eyes shut when the answer was yes. When I asked if he wanted sleeping drops, he squeezed his eyes shut very hard. We gave him the drops. My mom looked at me with tears in her eyes and said that he would probably go sometime today. She left the room to make a phone call. I read him his favorite bible verses that he carried with him on a laminated card. I just kept flipping it reading the front and the back over and over. It seemed to calm him a little.

Phil. 4:8 Fix your thoughts on things that are true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and worthy of praise.
Gal. 5:22-23 The fruit of the Spirit is: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control
1 Ths. 5:16-17-18 Be joyful always; pray continuously; give thanks in all circumstances.
Rom. 8:6 The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.
Isa. 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you.

He started breathing very hard. Within a minute or two his breathing slowed. He was only taking a breath only every fifteen seconds or so. He would be very quiet and still, then take a huge gasping breath. Then it was longer in between breaths. I watched his corroded artery in his neck jump with every heart beat and slow down to nothing after he took his last breath.

I wish I could say that I was the picture of composure during all of this, but really I was scared out of my mind and crying. He was turning blue, his eyes were fixed and there was nothing I should have or could have done. Part of me is glad that I was there even though maybe he didn’t know. Part of me wishes that I didn’t have these images to carry with me. Both sides are pretty much equal.

Later in the day when the nurse came she said it wasn’t uncommon for the dying to wait until their closest loved one was away from their side to leave.

I came into the living room and told my mom that Bob was no longer with us. She hung up the phone, went to his bed and wailed his name. We were all ready for this, but the actual moment is still shocking to the heart. We did all the things hospice told us to do. They came out, made the proper declarations and then the funeral home took his body away. The funeral is on Friday. Most of the family is coming out Thursday night.

We’re doing fine. It’s a hard thing, but we’re very happy that Bob is at peace. He’s been bedridden for over a year. It’s been hard for him and my mom who has been his sole care taker. Thanks to all of you for your emails, comments and thoughts.